Dating? Some Guidelines from Gurbani for finding a life partner

Dr. Gurinder Pal Singh

Abstract

“Dating” as commonly understood is not a Punjabi concept. For Sikh families following Punjabi traditions, Dating is commonly misunderstood both by parents and the young Sikh boys and girls. This misunderstanding often leads to conflict and mistakes in finding the right life partner.
In this talk we will seek guidance from Gurbani about finding the life partner. We will define the purpose and process of Dating in the Sikh context. We will define the roles that both parents and children need to play to help the young find the right life partners. The talk should be of interest to both parents and young adults.

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Video of Presentation

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Body of Paper

Dating- Some Guidelines from Gurbani about Finding Your Life Partner

Introduction

Finding a life partner is a very important part of one’s life. With a right partner life can be bliss, with a wrong partner, it can be a constant struggle or downright misery. It is therefore very important to pay attention to the process that the young people should follow to find their partners for marriage.

There is also a taboo in the Punjabi culture to talk or discuss this process. Thinking like “what will people say” or misplaced emphasis on “family honor” are the major barriers in this process. This article is aimed to break these barriers and provide a framework to start a rational discussion on the subject.

Due to rapid advances in technology, education and globalization, youth are exposed to cultures and traditions far beyond what their parents had opportunity to. This is often causing a conflict and confusion in the families as the methods employed by previous generations do not seem to provide the appropriate solutions for finding a life partner in current situation. This is particularly true for many of the young Sikhs growing up in the diaspora or urban educated Sikhs in India as they are caught between two cultures, without having adequate guidance for understanding the processes in either.

It should be acknowledged that the process of finding a life partner can be complicated process. In the western nations, it is common for young people to date with several potential candidates, until they find the right partner. But this process has its flaws and has led to many broken hearts and failed marriages. Mushrooming of many online dating sites, each claiming to be the better than the other, is a testimony to the imperfections in the process.

The dating process as practiced in west is alien to the Punjabi/Sikh culture. Marriages are often arranged by parents with varying degree of consultation with children. Often too much emphasis is laid on dowry, family wealth, social status of families and physical appearance. With craze among Indian Punjabis to settle abroad, visa status of the partner also plays a significant role. Parents want to marry their daughters, while they are young and emotionally immature so that they can mold themselves to adopt the ways of their in-laws family. This puts the young brides in a perennial subservient position. This often encourages their verbal and physical abuse. If at any stage they become courageous enough to speak against this oppressive practice and protest, it leads to more abuse and then breakup of marriage. The resulting divorce and battle over custody of children ruins lives of both partners and has a long lasting adverse impact on the children. The court records in USA indicate that the cases of domestic violence are very high among Punjabis in the diaspora.

Governments in India and Punjab have enacted several laws to remedy this abuse, but laws can do only so much. There is need to rethink the whole process on part of the social and religious leaders. Fortunately for us, Gurbani in Sri Guru Granth Sahib provides us the perfect framework to rationalize this process.

Scope of this Article

In this talk we define “Dating” as a process for finding a life partner. We will lay down guidance for this process based on Gurbani.

While many religions treated the marital relationship between a man and woman as sinful or the family life as a barrier to salvation, Sikh Gurus elevated this relationship to the highest level of “purity” as that of a relationship between a devotee and Waheguru. They advised Sikhs to fulfill their duties to the family and society while always remembering Waheguru.

We will use the model used by Gurus for devotion of a Sikh towards the Waheguru to set guidelines for human life partners. This approach may sound rather idealistic; however, it gives us a goal that we should strive to achieve. Author hopes that this article will encourage more thinking on part of scholars, social scientists, parents and lead to more research on the subject.

The guidelines we provide apply equally to both genders. Gurbani assures us of an absolute equality of the two.

Phases of Dating

In view of the author the dating process should consist of at least three phases.

1. Logical Phase: Recognizing universal values in the partner for a successful married life based on Gurbani
2. Subjective Phase: Recognizing qualities in partner that will make him/her unique and attractive to you
3. Emotional Phase: This is the phase that will make you fall in love with each other and lead to the accomplishment of “ਏਕ ਜੋਤਿ ਦੁਇ ਮੂਰਤੀ” concept emphasized in Gurbani for the married couples.

It is important that the process proceed in the order that is outlined above. We will return again to the importance of this order after discussing the first two phases in detail.

Logical Phase

Most young people beginning to date do not realize that purpose of marriage is to have children and raise a family. The responsibilities of this task are often beyond their imagination. Some of the challenges are communication with each other, earning enough to run a household as per one’s living standards, parenting to raise children with good ethics, good health, good education and as Gursikhs, keeping good relations with relatives on both sides, taking care of one’s own health and also meet all the social obligations. If the partners are not equipped with strong ethics and beliefs, they can get stressed and the marriage can fall apart.

Author has identified following traits that the young people must look for in a potential life partner

• Truthful: Responsible and dependable person
• Kirti: Should have capabilities to work to support the family financially by honest means
• Nirbhau: Good self-esteem. Should be able to standup for the right cause or issue
• Nirvair: Not revengeful. Should not hurt through words or actions
• Mental Health: Life brings several challenges caused by lust, anger, greed, infatuation and vanity. The person should have the moral strength to face these challenges and control these vices
• Self-inspired: The person should be self-inspired to fulfill his/her obligations to the family and the society.
• Faith: The person should have unshakable faith in Waheguru and power of Ardas

These values are inspired by some of the attributes Guru Nanak Dev Ji has assigned to Waheguru in Mool Mantar. To some extent this is a force-fit. But Gurbani also implores us to be like Waheguru;

ਹਰਿ ਜਨੁ ਐਸਾ ਚਾਹੀਐ

ਜੈਸਾ ਹਰਿ ਹੀ ਹੋਇ ॥

It may be difficult to find such an ideal person, but it gives us a set of attributes to look for in the ideal partner. If the person has significant deficiencies in any of these attributes, the marriage can be at risk.

The young people may need help or consultation with parents and friends to assess these values in the partner. Emotions should be kept in check and the left brain should prevail. These values are the cornerstone of a relationship.

It is the foremost duty of parents to raise their children with these values. They should themselves be the role models. They should keep open communication with children when they are young adults to discuss these issues. They should not become judgmental, as that will discourage children from discussing these matters with them.

Subjective Phase

This phase involves qualities of a partner that make him/her UNIQUELY suitable for you:

1. You should be able to admire the partner for the rest of your life.

• “Admirer” letters can be rearranged as “Married”.

1. You should like the physical looks and style of the partner.
2. Should be a compassionate and caring person
3. Should be polite and respectful in speech

ਮਿਠ ਬੋਲੜਾ ਜੀ ਹਰਿ ਸਜਣੁ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਮੋਰਾ ॥

ਹਉ ਸੰਮਲਿ ਥਕੀ ਜੀ ਓਹੁ ਕਦੇ ਨ ਬੋਲੈ ਕਉਰਾ ॥

1. Should not be boring

• Should bring fresh ideas and actions to keep the relationship interesting

ਸਾਹਿਬੁ ਮੇਰਾ ਨੀਤ ਨਵਾ

ਸਦਾ ਸਦਾ ਦਾਤਾਰੁ ॥

• Should have good sense of humor

1. Should share some hobbies and interests with you
2. Should be stable yet effective under stressful conditions

This phase may actually precede the logical phase described before. These qualities are the ones that may attract a young person to another in first place. But these should then be followed by the logical phase and not the emotional phase, to be described next.

But before describing the emotional phase, we consider some of the mistakes that the young adults often make. The age and emotional maturity plays an important role here.

The Age Factor

1. For children, to start looking for a life partner at a young age (16-25 years) is dangerous.

• At this age the hormones are raging and children are emotionally immature.
• They may just fall for a cute face or handsome build.
• Many Sikh girls refusing to marry a turbaned Sikh is also indication of this immaturity.

1. This age (16-25 years) should be spent in building one’s own ideal personality. Pay attention to your own health, education, emotional and spiritual development.

The young adults often make the following mistakes

1. They feel they are grown up and wise. They may start disobeying parents and mess up their relationship with them. Sometimes even living together becomes difficult.
2. In their childish innocence, they easily believe, when someone says “I love you”. The person saying it might also believe that, but may not understand responsibilities associated with it.
3. In company of friends, they feel pressured to fit in. They may easily get started into alcohol and other drugs in company of “hip” crowds.
4. They may lose sense of priorities and neglect their own education and health.

 

 

How to find the unique person satisfying the subjective and logical constraints described above

1. There should be an open communication between parents and children about this issue. Parents often have a large network of friends and relatives, which might help. They also have experience of observing people in different situations and that can be helpful in evaluating the potential candidates.
2. Young adults should also seek help from network of their own friends and well wishers.
3. Parents should allow or facilitate meeting of their children with those of opposite gender. The Young adults should use these opportunities to observe each other in a “friendship” relationship without getting emotionally involved.
4. The inherent qualities, the strengths and weakness of a person are best visible in situations of stress. It is important that the young adults observe each other in a variety of situations.
5. Parents should leave final selection to the young adults.

The Emotional Phase

1. The emotional phase is essential for realizing “Ek Jyot” that Gurbani describes as the ideal union.

ਧਨ ਪਿਰ ਏਹਿ ਨ ਆਖੀਅਨਿ ਬਹਨਿ ਇਕਠੇ ਹੋਇ ॥

ਏਕ ਜੋਤਿ ਦੁਇ ਮੂਰਤੀ ਧਨ ਪਿਰ ਕਹਿਐ ਸੋਇ ॥

1. This phase should start only after the “unique ones” satisfying the logical and the subjective phase conditions have been identified and mutually agreed upon.
2. The “Four Lavan” composed by Guru Ramdas Ji, depict this emotional journey beautifully. These Lavan are set in Raag Suhi in Sri Guru Granth Sahib starting on page 773. These Lavan are an integral part of the Sikh wedding ceremony Anand Karaj.

Following are author’s somewhat subjective thoughts on the implications of Four Lavan for human marital life. These describe the various stages of the spiritual union of two partners.

1. Implication of the First Laanv
   1. With Guru’s Grace you have made a firm commitment to each other.
   2. The commitment should be sincere. Keeping each other in focus all the time becomes your duty.
   3. You change your life style and actions to facilitate this focus. No one else is that important anymore.
   4. Affection develops between the two and doubts if any are gradually cleared.
   5. This commitment leads to peace and stability of the mind.
2. Implications of Second Laanv
   1. You come closer to each other and start losing your own identity (ego) in the process.
   2. The worldly fears do not matter anymore. You are at ease in each other’s company.
   3. When our love is not selfish, the bond between the two reaches another dimension. You develop respect for each other. You learn about each other’s strengths and your concerns become mutual concerns.
   4. You feel each other’s presence in all aspects of your life and an unstruck melody of love develops in your heart.
3. Implications of Third Laanv
   1. In the third stage the love and yearning for each other is very intense.
   2. The loved ones change their life styles e.g. company of friends to those who will support their togetherness.
   3. They align their interests with each other.
   4. In their minds there is an indescribable appreciation for each other and a constant song of love develops in their hearts
4. Implications of Fourth Laanv
   1. The beloved ones have become one in spirit. With intuitive ease they like each other’s minds and physical appearance
   2. There is a feeling of success and “having arrived at the desired destination” of being one with each other. There is perfect harmony in life.
   3. There is confidence and stability in the Union. Problems of life do not perturb the relationship.
   4. Both partners are completely in tune with each other and the life together is blissful.

Pre-marital Physical Relationship

Gurbani says NO to any physical relationship before marriage. These relationships are limited to the unique person in your life.

• For men it says

ਕਿਆ ਗਾਲਾਇਓ ਭੂਛ, ਪਰ ਵੇਲ ਨ ਜੋਹੇ ਕੰਤ ਤੂ ॥

“What should I say to you , you fool?

Don’t look at the vines (wives) of others-Be a true husband”

• For women it says

ਢੂਢੇਦੀਏ ਸੁਹਾਗ ਕੂ, ਤਉ ਤਨਿ ਕਾਈ ਕੋਰ ॥

ਜਿਨ੍ਹਾ ਨਾਉ ਸੁਹਾਗਣੀ ਤਿਨ੍ਹਾ ਝਾਕ ਨ ਹੋਰ ॥

“You! who is looking for a husband (in others) must have a defect in yourself. The chaste brides don’t cherish hope of another”

Risks of Younger Age Marriages

The risk of younger age marriages cannot be overemphasized. The emotional maturity and wisdom that comes with age is very important for a relationship.

The table below shows the relationship between the age at marriage and the divorce rates. From this data age from 25-34 seems to be the ideal age for marriage. By this age the partners have had time to acquire emotional maturity, education and means to financially support a married life. The divorce rates increase again for age at marriage above 34. This may be due to decrease in availability of suitable partners.

Another factor to note from this data is that the divorce rate is high during 5-9 years after the marriage. This is likely due to the higher stresses on the relationship as the family responsibilities increase due to children and other circumstances. This correlates well with the lack of qualities we have emphasized in the logical phase.

(reference: www.nicholaswolfinger.com/blog/2015/04/29/revisiting-the-relationship-between-age-at-marriage-and-divorce/)

Summary

1. Education about finding a life partner is as important as the education we receive for learning a profession.
2. The process should start by raising a child with the right values according to Gurbani. Parents have a responsibility to be the good role models themselves. Punjabi parents should treat sons and daughter as equals.
3. Search for a potential partner should begin only when the children are emotionally mature.
4. Finding a suitable partner should be a collaborative process between parents and children.
5. Society should allow young adults to have contact with opposite sex on a “friends” basis.
6. Gurdwaras and other social organizations should help organize education about selecting the right life partners.

 

The first one should be the logical one where partners assess each other or with help of their parents for suitability as marriage partner. No emotions should be involved in this process.

 

About the author

Gurinder Pal Singh is Vice President of the Sikh Gurdwara San Jose Parbandhak Committee and also chairman of Education Committee at the Sikh Gurdwara San Jose. He is among the founding directors of Guru Nanak Khalsa School, San Jose and Chardi Kalaa Foundation. He is regional coordinator for Sri Hemkunt Foundation Keertan Darbar for the North Western region of USA.

He holds a Ph.D degree in Physics from Tata Institute of Fundamental Research, Mumbai, India and M.Sc in Physics (Gold medalist) from Punjabi University Patiala. He has worked as a scientist at Max Planck Institute in Stuttgart, Germany and IBM Almaden Research Center in San Jose, California. In 2013 he retired as Principle Engineer from HGST Company of Western Digital Corporation. He holds 13 patents and 36 publications in fields of Science and engineering. Presently he is a visiting professor at Physics Department, Panjab University, Chandigarh India.

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About the Author

Gurinder Pal Singh is Vice President of the Sikh Gurdwara San Jose Parbandhak Committee and also chairman of Education Committee at the Sikh Gurdwara San Jose. He is among the founding directors of Guru Nanak Khalsa School, San Jose and Chardi Kalaa Foundation. He is regional coordinator for Sri Hemkunt Foundation Keertan Darbar for the North Western region of USA.

He holds a Ph.D degree in Physics from Tata Institute of Fundamental Research, Mumbai, India and M.Sc in Physics (Gold medalist) from Punjabi University Patiala. He has worked as a scientist at Max Planck Institute in Stuttgart, Germany and IBM Almaden Research Center in San Jose, California. In 2013 he retired as Principle Engineer from HGST Company of Western Digital Corporation. He holds 13 patents and 36 publications in fields of Science and engineering. Presently he is a visiting professor at Physics Department, Panjab University, Chandigarh India.

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